just wondering again - it doesnt matter how it works - it works and that is most important :) tons of shit happened tons of shit tried to get hold of me but guess what - it has an amazing ability to sort itself out it always works out in the end lessons learned :) wisdom gained :) no grudges :) it just works and i know one thing for sure it will always work perfectly well - i just have to let it :) no stubborn obstinacy no taking bullcrap hi and bye are both equally valuable i am glad i got so strong i am happy that nobody is able to destroy my peace any more i guess sometimes you have to go swimming in shit, hit rock bottom and then get out to have a beautiful shower i did it ! I DID IT!!! so glad :)

fuck off silly brain!!!

the time has come to be re-born the time has come to re-cycle the soul the time has come to re-cycle the heart the brain will have to manage on its own just like it always has just this time it was for real okay IT ... WAS ... FOR ... REAL then it got messed up and now the brain wants to go back to clarify ... to straighten out ... to be nice ... to be peaceful ... to remain friends ... to feel positive ... to wish well ... to keep sanity ... to be sure it will not be forever alone??? the brain wants to still be accepted for its own sake the brain wants to still think it matters the brain wants to still think it is good fuck off silly brain silly brain - you only want this because your pride has been trampled silly brain - you only want this because you secretly crave acceptance silly brain - you only want this because you think the whole world has to accept you silly brain - fuck off your pride is inside you your acceptance is inside you your goodness is inside you the world does not have to accept you - you have to accept yourself have you forgotten already, silly brain??? I love you silly brain, do not fuck off, stay with me and do a good job as you always have silly brain, you are proud, good, accepted, loved and admired here, silly brain, stay with me ...

ehhh

so now i am learning life
being emotionally self-sufficient
not begging for affection
it works
i feel so much better

yes - it is difficult after you begged for affection for so many years

but who cares

i am me

not gonna change again just to fit someone else's expectations of me
how i should walk
how i should talk
how i should sit
or lie down
dress
or undress
smile
cry

whatever

i am me
i am not a toy
not a marionette

just me

u like me - fine

you dont like me - whatever

have a fab day everyone

why like this?

you have called me
cursed and swore at me
because of something small
something that had no meaning
something that i didnt even remember i did

you hurt me on purpose
and i sat and listened

what is even worse
i am crying
trying to find fault with myself
trying to see what i did wrong

i am broken again
just
can't cope

so - was thinking

yeah - it does happen

was thinking about being negative
and no
i am not negative
i react emotionally to what people say and do
but this is not being negative
some reactions are purposefully produced
by people who know how to produce them
sometimes without even realising they will be so powerful ...
some reactions are very strong
but they are all just emotions
i think i will have to get cold again
no emotion is good
no emotion is safe
no emotion = no hurting

could i possibly go back to the ICE AGE OF THE HEART?
i dont think so
i just have to learn how to manage my emotions ...
might be hard
might take long
but definitely worth it :)

ONE OF THOSE TOO :) (or two)

hm definitely two

I WANT ONE OF THOSE!!!

definitely
i have the population organised already too ;)
he he he