so - was thinking

yeah - it does happen

was thinking about being negative
and no
i am not negative
i react emotionally to what people say and do
but this is not being negative
some reactions are purposefully produced
by people who know how to produce them
sometimes without even realising they will be so powerful ...
some reactions are very strong
but they are all just emotions
i think i will have to get cold again
no emotion is good
no emotion is safe
no emotion = no hurting

could i possibly go back to the ICE AGE OF THE HEART?
i dont think so
i just have to learn how to manage my emotions ...
might be hard
might take long
but definitely worth it :)

ONE OF THOSE TOO :) (or two)

hm definitely two

I WANT ONE OF THOSE!!!

definitely
i have the population organised already too ;)
he he he

I AM NEGATIVE

yes i am negative
yes my thinking is negative

yes i have reasons
yes you give me more reasons

yes every time you punish me for being me i feel so little
yes every time you go away in a huff i feel so small
yes every time you do it i feel like a speck of dust
yes you have one more chance to show me you are not a boy
yes you have one more chance to show yourself
that you are the man that you think you are

and

no - i will not feel bad about myself again

my heart within me ...

I have no wit, no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numbed too much for hopes or fears.
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;

this from Christina Rosetti's poem
how true ...

and - to my great dismay - i have learnt the same lesson over again
never let anyone into your heart or they will slowly torment you out of you
rip your soul out and mangle it till there is no more left than a tiny square of dry paper.

how many times can i learn the same thing?

and how many times open up and trust?

this is a vicious circle - how do i get off this rollercoaster?

love is a killer
it's gonna make you wish you were dead